like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
