I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I would fuck him just for his dog
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
