So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
