My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
