I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
