just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
