im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
