I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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