my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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