I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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