Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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