my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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