I love black thongs
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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