I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I got inside last night via doggy door
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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