My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A bitchslap is in order.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
