Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
