i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
