dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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