Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I pour the whiskey from now on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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