Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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