I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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