I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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