An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
