the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize