At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
