So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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