Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
