you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I need a beard to bite.
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