just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
