I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
