Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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