How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
