You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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