too bad you live with your parents still
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
