yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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