You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
