Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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