allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
