remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
