sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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