That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
