my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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