I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
