New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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