im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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