Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
