Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
