What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
