Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
