So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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