Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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