After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
